How to NOT come out to your mother
by BookishTea
Summary: A prompt sent in by anon: "Hello! Could you please do a thing where Kyle is trying to tell his mother that he's in a relationship with Cartman and is having a difficult time so he calls Cartman over to help?" (Rated M for suggestive themes and copious amounts of swearing.)
"Well how about, Ashley?"

"Who?" Kyle mumbled, looking up from his cereal bowl.

"You know, Ashley! She was the girl with the brown hair in those lovely purple ribbons, you met her at your Uncle Joseph's wedding?"

"I don't remember her."

Sheila scoffed, wiping her hands on a drying cloth as she turned away from the sink. She pursed her lips, scowling at her eldest child.

"Well this leaves us in a pickle, doesn't it? You need a date, and you aren't giving me much option."

Kyle pushed his bowl away, "I don't need you to pick someone, I already did that."

"Kyle, we aren't talking about one of your friends are we? I know you're close to Stan, but he isn't a suitable date."

The young teenager groaned, running his hands through his hair in annoyance. He fixed his mother with a green eyed stare, "No, not Stan. But you have to believe me, I already picked a partner."

"Not a friend?"

"No, someone I'm dating."

"What?!" Sheila screeched, tossing her rag onto the counter without a care. She bounded to her son's side, painted fingernails digging into his shoulders as she rocked him to and fro. "Why didn't you tell me!? Oh, I'm so excited, my baby is growing up!" Ignoring Kyle's whines, Sheila pulled a chair from the kitchen table, and sat down in it. Wooden legs scraping roughly against the floor as she drew it near her child's own chair. "So, go on. I want all the details."

"About...?" Kyle gulped, suddenly tense.

"Her! The lucky girl that's dating you! Oh! Is she Jewish?" Sheila paused, waving off the thought, "I guess it doesn't matter. She'll have to convert if she'll marry you anyway."

"He."

Sheila blinked for a second, words falling dead on her lips. She frowned, contemplating if she heard her child correctly.

"What was that, dear?"

Kyle took a deep breath, "I said he. I'm going to the dance with another boy, mom."

His mother shook her head, "I got that, but I thought you said you were dating the person you were going with."

"I am. I'm going with Car- _Eric Cartman_ , mom."

Sheila bristled, "Oh, I knew you'd go with a friend! Kyle, now why would you trick me like that? It wasn't a nice prank to pull on your mother, you know she has a sensitive heart about matters like these."

"Mom!" Kyle groaned, "You've completely missed the whole point!"

"The whole point of what? To make your poor mother feel silly? Because that wasn't certainly nice, only a cruel thing to do."

"But it wasn't a prank!"

"I won't hear anything more about this, Kyle. And your rude behaviour." His mother rose to her feet, body stiff and as she returned back to the sink, and resumed washing dishes. Every once in a while Kyle could hear her mumble, and give a disappointed shake of the head.

Quickly Kyle removed his cell from his pants pocket, opening his messages with Eric. He avoided looking at the thread, knowing he'd just get absorbed with leafing through it again. He formed a message and shot it off to the brunette.

 **I need your help, I'm trying to explain US to my mother.**

Thankfully it didn't take long to get a reply, and Kyle glared at the message.

 **finally got the balls to do it? what do u need my help with then?**

Kyle spared one last glance at his mother, she hadn't changed her attitude at all. And by going with the rattling force she placed her dishes down, she wouldn't be in a good mood for a while unless he fixed this.

 **She thought I was joking, can you please help me get through to her? And please, be gentle doing it?**

Eric's second reply had Kyle easing up a tad, and unconsciously smiling.

 **sure thing, babe. i'll be as sensitive as a newborn kitten. i know just what to do, it'll take a second though.**

 **Thanks, Cartman, you're the best. xoxo**

"Mom?" Kyle called out.

"What?" came a returned snap, setting Kyle on edge once more. But he knew he had to continue on if he wanted to buy time for Eric.

"I know, you're just trying to help me. And I really appreciate that, I do."

The tension in his mother's shoulders eased up into a slump, "I just worry about you sometimes, Kyle. I don't want you to be lonely out in this world, especially when I know you can make someone happy." She spun around to face him, expression tired and filled with age as she closed the distance between them.

Kyle reached out, grabbing onto his mother's arm, "You don't have to worry about me. I can make my own decisions, which are usually goo-"

Eric burst into the room through the side door, wielding two sparklers in each hand. Butters was in close pursuit, determined to wave a large rainbow flag.

"Mrs. Broflovski!" Eric called out, spinning the sparklers around until the air filled with sparks leaping off and about. "I'm here to tell you, you're son, is gay!"

"Oh my god..." Kyle whispered, face draining into a deathly white hue as he glanced between his mother and Eric. Sheila looked just as shocked as he did, with her mouth agape.

"And guess what?! I'm the one fucking his brains out every night!" Eric ended his little song by sliding onto his knees before them, and with some jazz hands.

"Gaayyyy~!

Kyle dropped his arm from his mother, face returning to a bright red flush.

"Eric, what the hell?!"

" _What?_ " the brunette sighed, still holding his pose on the ground.

"How was any of that gentle?!"

"Uh, I'll just leave." Butters mumbled, shyly exiting the house with his flag in tow.

The fireworks in Eric's hands fizzed out, almost like they could sense the situation their owner was in. Cartman furrowed his brow, and after huffing he unsteadily climbed to his feet. "But I was! It wasn't like I yanked your pants down and shoved my dick in your ass!"

Kyle face palmed, "I can't believe I put up with you." He shook his head, feeling a massive headache coming on.

"Hey don't be like that, Kahl!" Eric whined, dropping his sparklers onto the ground.

Kyle looked up from his hands, "Well it's true! I expected we'd you know, talk about this like adults on the couch. Not show up like I came straight out of the closet from Broadway!"

"What's that supposed to mean? Musicals are amazing and you know it!"

"That's not...Just leave, Cartman! I'll do this myself."

"Kahl!"

"Just go!"

"Fine, if this is what I get for helping. Screw you, Kahl. I'm going home." Eric huffed, stomping his way out of the house.

Kyle slowly faced his mother again, a tad bit fearful, "Sorry about that. Y-you aren't mad are you?"

Sheila blinked for a second, until finally her expression softened, "Why on earth would I be mad?"

"Because I'm a homosexual...?"

"Oh, sweetheart." Sheila drew her son into her arms, squeezing him with all of the emotion she could convey. Which was a lot. "Did you not listen to a word I said? I was worried about you not being in a happy and healthy relationship, and now that I see you are...Well, I'm simply relieved!"

"Really?" Kyle mumbled, voice small against the comfort of the hug.

"Of course. But honey, just make sure he calms down a bit next time he shows up. I don't think the flooring can handle it." Both glanced down to the ground where the sparklers had left ashy and singed carpet.

Kyle began to chuckle and stepped out of his elder's arms, "Noted. But first I gotta make sure I still have a date." He ran off, yelling after the sullen form of his boyfriend, "Hey, wait up Cartman! I'll buy us some tickets to Wicked!"


End file.
